What I want?

Before I Turn 27

Its one hour before I turn 27 I keep wondering how one more year went by in my life. I was thinking what I wanted and what I don't. I thought I would watch just one more movie before it turns 12 and my family will call me. I thought why not just switch off my phone and sleep off, one year back this is what I did. I closed myself from the world. I just hurt the people who love me and thats also just a handful of people. 

As the years go by I notice lesser people messaging me and at 10pm today I cried to my sister how my room mate is weighing her options about how she spends her time with me, how my boy friend didnt bother to get me a gift, okay he was sick and all but according to me he should have got me something atleast before I landed in town, how less and less people do things for me. 

Then my little sister is good at making me happy and is very convincing but it keeps coming back. What if next year it will be only my two sisters calling and my mom? then one day when they are with their families and my mom too old no one would be there to call me? This is a happy moment and I dont have anyone what if its something bad then what? 

Just now a friend pinged me, my closest friends she keeps me alive, she doesnt ask for anything but knows everything I need. In the starting I thought let this blog be about how scared I am to be alone when I die but just this second we were talking about good times and I thought let me document how happy the last one year was.

Last birthday was sad because I just moved to Chennai, colleagues who were busy and no friends here. So I cried it away. My sweet room mate asked me if I wanted to go out I said no. I realise now God sends me fun but I reject it. I punish myself thinking I am punishing the world for not being nice to me. So tomorrow I am going to demand that my room mate comes with me to listen to a new band. Anyway back to being thankful.

So this year has been exciting, both my sisters found new love. My mom started wearing more colours. I bought gold again, I know ...but it makes me more secure, so why not. My boyfriend and I got a chit together for our future, that gives me hope. Kichu moved out of town and is making a life that she enjoys. My boyfriend came to church for a Christmas mass with the family, a big thing for me. I bought and wore my dream dress, a chinese black dress, I looked hot if I may say so. 

I got a place of my own with my room mate. We both have always thought of doing it and it actually happened. Thank God that I got a really sweet land lady as well. I always wanted to have parties in a place of my own. Did that had some good times at my place. Friends stayed over, tried my first joint and was sad about how sad it was, family and loved ones visited and on the whole a proud moment for me. I have learnt to pay bills especially the power bills, I now switch off every light when I leave a room, a prediction my dad had made long ago. 

My room mate and me have had some good times over the past 6 months. Be it going for a movie on a whim or having friends over. Cooking and learning to cook faster and making better rotis from her, all have been a great experience. The challenges of a being a house wife/ mother/ working mother don't seem so bad now.  I can get up early do yoga(just started), cook lunch and breakfast drink green tea and go to work now. I was a person who would never do anything other than have bath and go to work, that is if my mom wakes me, so this is a good start. Couple of friends got married along the way, went for those weddings, seen them all excited and was happy for them. 

Made several small trips over the past year, went to Pondicherry with my boyfriend which was before my 26th birthday and I loved it. Another dream of mine was to go to Manipur, my boyfriend's hometown. I was treated like a typical new bride type, 4 people dressing me at the same time; me trying out new costumes, then witnessed a beautiful Manipuri wedding; drove with some new friends and my boy friend to lokthak lake; went on a Manipuri date to a local botanical garden, got my boyfriend to go down on one knee and propose to me at the highest point in the garden. Then had so many local types of food that were so tasty like the lotus rhizomes and other fish food and did a lot of shopping and wore the traditional fanek.

Went to Mahabalipuram in October with my room mate and my boy friend which was really fun, nice photo shoot sessions there, seen the tiger caves. Took a hotel room and the three of us had a blast. Seen the Periya Koil - Brihadeeshwara Temple in Thanjavore, also one of my curiosities. Thanks to my room mate for forcing me to come to Trichy so I could see the rock fort temple also. Went to a small town called Puttur and seen the Tirupati Tirumala temple, simple but very ancient temple. Actual artifacts of Hindu mythology were there. Then my most recent trip to Trivandrum, seen my native place from a whole new perspective. Traveled by road (bus only) from north to south Kerala. More proud of my place now, dad would have been even more proud of me. My Trivandrum trip was more special because I made it with my boyfriend and to my best friends place in Trivandrum and her husband who is a new friend, who I enjoy arguing with. I seen a new side of my boy friend with kids, he loved the small one and she him. 

Then I was also sent to Eindhoven in June. I see one of my dream places, Amsterdam. But there again I didnt fully grab opportunities to make more memories. But still I made new friends like Paul and love Raju even more. Went to a gay bar and that was great experience. Seen a drag show, shopped in a flea market like I always wanted. Attended a Dutch mass, sad but still an experience. Seen love flowing among couples in a gay parade. I have learnt to judge less and accept people the way they are. Ate some great food when I was there, listened to a lot of street music, seen kids skateboarding and fooling around on scooters, loved it all. Bought a jacket and boots and wore it everyhere, another wish that was fulfilled. Was amazed by the Rjiks Museum, wished I seen more of it. Now meeting a lot of Dutch clients and learning about quality and passion for work. Now I strive to give 100% to everything I do. 

Just now my closest friend pinged me to wish me because she knows my mom will call, she knows stuff like that. The way she wished me sums up everything, filled me with reassurance, reminded me of good times and prayed for better times. Just now mom and sisters called me and I put them on a conference call and we had our family prayer, my cuz called me and my room mate and boyfriend put them on the next batch of conference call. Then my friend from Trivandrum calls and her husband also wished me along with their baby. It then dawned on my slow brain as I lose some old calls from friends I have made some new friends and extended my family. New people to love and new places to go. 

So now I can't wait for my trip to Srinagar next month I cant wait for new experiences. As I wish my dad who shares the same birthday as me, I want to remember something he said to me, travel as much as you can and meet new people because there is nothing better than seeing this world. So I know what I want now and what I am going to do. I love you dad and I miss you but I carry you in my heart as I travel along and see new places and hope I make more friends along the way. 

P.S.: So I started this blog crying about how bad things were and I end it crying about how good things ARE, basically hormones. Anyway I thank the friends who wished me all these years with surprises and birthday cakes(that were not chocolate), I thank my elder sister for making my 21st birthday the greatest, my younger sister for all the grand gestures that bring me to tears, for a boyfriend who goes crazy over me except on my birthday (I dont know why) I  love him for his practical nature so he doesn't send me flowers- respect and yeah I think he doesnt buy me gifts because I never use them. Anyway for my room mate who has given me a lot of good memories and for close and best friends for their comfort and support when I am a complete wreck and for my mom who always buys me a birthday dress. I love you all !